My dear friends were over at my home recently, and we talked about compassion for a while. Great conversation from two very compassionate people. We talked about basically how compassion, at its core, is about putting aside judgment, putting aside any hurt and just being there. It really is about understanding another person's struggles and wanting to help and not hinder. We talked more about compassion, what it means, and how vital it is for a person to survive.
I like to think I have empathy and compassion. I am self-taught. I was never taught it, but I certainly spent decades teaching myself and practicing the art of empathy and compassion. First, I had to learn the difference between the two. I find it easy to keep it simple. Empathy is feeling other peoples emotional experiences and see it and feel it from their perspective. In contrast, compassion is the desire to take action to help the other person.
I understand that it's a positive emotion that involves being thoughtful and kind and is related to sympathy and empathy. It is feeling that person's pain and wanting to aid and help them. Mind you, not to do it for them, but them not suffer as the word compassion means to suffer together.
When I think of empathy and compassion, the word altruism comes to mind. It is the principle and practice of concern for the well-being or happiness of other humans. Also different from compassion but very important. It means having a real concern for other people. You genuinely do so with compassion in your heart, not out of obligation, duty, or loyalty. No, it involves acting out of concern for the well-being of other people. It is an act from the heart, yet another thing many people are self-taught.
My morning talk with my close friends made me feel grateful that I was able to teach myself the skills. They say empathy is largely influenced by genetics and socialization. Man, I felt I was screwed. I mean, I really understand that some people are born with tendencies that make them more empathetic. I really understood that some people did not have that in their genetics, and I would need to experience empathy and altruism and grow into compassion. What an honor it was to do so.
I recalled that I spent the first part of my life being a drunk and addict. I was not very empathic or had much compassion. I look back and believe it was because I did not see these traits growing up, and so when I got sober, the first thing I had to learn was compassion and empathy for myself. I didn’t even know what those words meant. How could I learn about something if I did not have it? I began to understand that compassion is not something we’re either born with or not. It’s a skill that can be strengthened through exercise and practice.
Basically, it meant being able to understand and feel my own feelings and respond with kindness and support to my own self. Self-love? Me? Again, I never heard of that word till I got into recovery, and I was 32. When I was in college in my mid-thirties, I had the opportunity to discover, not learn, DISCOVER the meaning of compassion and empathy and to practice it in my own self. If you did not grow up with these traits, you just don't learn them; you discover them within yourself. I was a student of self and ready to learn.
I discovered it by placing myself in another person's shoes. We did these exercises in college that showed us how to understand another person's experience by walking in their shoes. Basically, it helped me see and feel someone else’s perspective and suffering. I was learning how to have empathy for others by seeing how it made me feel. I learned that empathy is a component of compassion, and when my empathy is extended into action, I feel compassion.
Yikes, it was a new feeling for me, and I began to have compassion and empathy for myself. It was like the universe was embracing me, telling me I was love and light and that I was good in all I did. I had to begin to live life, breaking through the lens of my own experiences growing up. Through self-compassion, I was able to let go and live in the very moment. No, compassion and empathy were not a message that was clear to me growing up, and I learned how not to blame but to grow through loving and understanding myself so I could love others no matter what. Which has proven to be one of my greatest and most difficult accomplishments.
When you love yourself enough to have empathy and let go of the past, you suddenly realize all that matters is empathy and compassion. I realized that empathy and compassion are present when we do not judge. We understand things are what they are. When we put down the thick lenses we wear and really look into someone's eyes, we can see their sorrow, sadness, or confusion. We get a glimpse of how they are feeling and what they personally have been through. We let go of bias and just are present as if each day is the first day we met someone. We let go of judgment and hurt and just have empathy and compassion.
I love my friends and how they stimulate deep conversations about common, simple things like empathy and compassion, which are not simple for so many. I enjoy hearing the stories of utter compassion and loving-kindness. I don't think I will graduate with a degree of loving-kindness, empathy, and total compassion for all in this lifetime. Still, I am working diligently to do my very best every day in hopes of walking in peace with others as well as myself.
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